" Missing places"
"Missing places" 7.May 2020, Fiss
I am sitting on the balcony on that crazy old plastic chair, that has a long history imprinted on it. My coffee is getting cold. Had to microwave it already 3 times. The view never gets boring. I am surrounded by mountains. Bizzare to see snow in May. The fields and trees are delicious green. For the fist time in days it's warm enough to be outside. The sky is completely blue and gives the impression of a near summer. A woman just past the building on a horse. A week ago a helicopter landed on the same spot. Is it time to leave?
Five months ago I wasn't even convinced to spend the time here. But since I was able to make friends and grow, I am afraid to say, that I will miss the place. I would go every few days on a hike and each time it felt like someone has changed the scenery. The snow would slowly disappear, the melting ice create little streams and the air start to smell like fresh grass. For days I am asking myself the question if I should leave. It gives me anxiety. I wonder what I would miss if I actually did. April has been really quiet. But it is a tourist area and soon, people will start to arrive, bike in the mountains, laugh, stay up late. And I might not be here anymore.
Leaving Amsterdam after almost one and a half year wasn't that hard at the end. Maybe because I don't feel like I completely left. At the end I left because it was time to leave. It became safe and ordinary. I did not say "bye". More like " See ya'".
I think I should stop collecting extra memories for my future self.
Every time, I would go on a trip with my classmates, have visited cities, historical places, I would always try to document as much as I could. I would collect stones from the path, shells from the beach, leaves from the forest. All that, to have the piece of mind, that I did everything to not have to miss the place. A group photo wasn't always enough, so I shot 50 more. Mostly from things I thought had a greater value I didn't understand at the time. Two years ago I went to a museum and made 100 photos from the descriptions of paintings. I didn't want to miss anything. It might be that that information isn't available anywhere else. Right? The sad truth is, I did't look once at those pictures and I stopped to care what it was all about.
Now, I don't know if staying here is a opportunity I shall take. It would be so easy to take a job, which is literally waiting to be taken in the next building. When is the time to leave? Could I do both? Could I reset my mind somewhere else and come back for that opportunity? When it is THAT EASY, should I do differently?
Now I have become a fan of slow traveling. There's something very calming about staying in a place for a few months. You get the chance to fully emerge into the culture. Try out a new lifestyle. Almost like living multiple lives. For a few months you live like a local, take the metro, start to make friends, learn the language. After the honeymoon faze you eventually become one of the people, that calmly dance threw the crowd of tourists and maybe even get a bit annoyed. I love that. And every time you get to a new place you get a boost of motivation, get to be hopeless. All that after you became absolutely anxious about change. You don't realize you are moving, until left with life packed tightly into a suitcase and phone in your hand. For a while you feel alone and afraid it's going to remain that way. You know you'll meet new people. A bunch of them might fill up a place in your heart, yet you don't believe it, till it actually happens. I don't think I will ever become used to this roller coaster of change. Finally I am slowly starting to understand, how an extreme privilege it is to miss something. To miss people, cities, activities.
See ya'! :)
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