"The case of RVC"

                                                                                                                12.05.2020

                "Rejection, vulnerability and the need for change"            

                                                                             (Part 1)

            I've started this blog, in order to create a safe space, where I can express my vulnerability and be open about problems some of us might be facing in our 20's. Over the last years I've learned to reflect on what is happening around me. This time though in a healthy and more objective way. I feel like, there has been so much we weren't told or thought in school or from adults we met along the way. I wish someone would have explained to us things like, how to successfully apply for a job, how to deal with people, how to gather the courage and believe in our future. I have to warn you. Those two parts won't be neither sarcastic nor overly optimistic. They are meant to show a moment of vulnerability and slow growth to getting used to change.

            So, am I ok...? No, I'm not. And I don't believe any of us is right now. The number one priority in the last years was for me to have a safe space to live.  And it still is. Here I mean a physical space. Whether it was the room I shared with my brother, an Airbnb room or bed at my relatives apartment. I still think, when this place is found, I can focus on doing other things.

            Let me tell you something. I came to Austria for the winter season. But since it all got shut down and I didn't have a place to go, I stayed. I don't have to pay for the apartment I am in, I have money, that should get me threw this phase and most likely threw the majority of my first year of uni. But this time I feel very weak. I always wanted to become the person, that can provide for herself, decorated her apartment, has a job she enjoys, is able to pursue hobbies on the side and effort healthy food. Ideally work in a diverse range of jobs and start a few side hustles. Right now, I feel the furthest, I have ever felt to become that person. I should be fine. But I am not. My former boos understands the situation, so he ensured me a few times, that it is ok for me to stay. I just feel like, he has to tell me that clearly in my face, so I'll eventually believe him. I feel weak, because I feel like I wasted my time here. It has been two months and there is nothing I can recall from this time, which would be in some way valuable.

           If you have read the last " Let's discuss..." you know I was debating whether to leave or stay. At the end it took a couple of turns. Here are a few notes I took.


07.05.2020, 1:55 am

How do I explain that? Let's see. I had to ask a few friends to help me out with that issue. I probably would't have done anything today, would't it be the discussion with my mom. Which, by the way, is a miracle. Since my phone got dead and my laptop isn't capable of installing Skype, I was very surprised that a video chat threw Messenger worked perfectly fine. The conclusion of the conversation was, that in this time it might not be the best idea to reset my mind on the other side of the country. In contrary, we collectively decided that I will be applying for a job.  Determination!! I am scared of, what I am going to write tomorrow, after actually sending the application. Mon dieu!


09.05.2020, 11:22 am

I MIGHT ACTUALLY STAY. Yep. I really am like an animal, that turns his head, as soon as something shiny appears in the corner. So, in a hurry I have translated my CV, added this and that, and it was out in the morning to fulfil it's destiny. On a Friday. Thus.... I felt like I took enough action to have piece of mind, till an answer would appear in my inbox. Well, ...no. After I have send it, I went to the washing room. I talked briefly to a Hungarian girl I just met, and mentioned I was applying for that job. AND? She suggested, that I might have also gone there directly, since it's a family run business and they would be more that fine with that. I was like... Yep. That. Sounds. Like. A better plan. But I did differently and promised I would go the next morning. Hahaha. NO.

Because. Today. Is. Saturday. And NO ONE works today. Ah.... Yeah, that's me. Thinking only one step at a time. What is my plan now. Good question. It seems like I'll have no luck on the weekend. So, I guess, I have to wait for Monday. The 11th! They were looking for someone from the beginning of May to start. And I. am. late. I don't what to get wiped into tunnel vision. Thus, I'll look for a another job offer nearly. Also. I can stay in this apartment only two more weeks. So I better hurry.




            Ultimately, I have send a another application for a internship program. Yesterday, I got two emails. Each turning down my offer. I won't be working here. It is simply, because they can't fully reopen till the winter season. So more for the first one, they have already enough employees. So, it is somehow set. I'll stay till the end of May. I honestly felt tired after receiving those emails. I ate some cake, called my mom to get clear vision and so, I have a few things to do. Mainly, find a room to rent. Writing this at 00:41, I feel ok. I was fine at 8 pm already, so maybe it's a good sign. Although, I do realize, that the corners of my mouth might be going more and more down as time passes. Those situation are stressing me out, when times are that undefined. Also, two months ago, I had a similar situation and had to get properly knocked out with alcohol to get threw the rush of emotions.

           I think that there is not enough talk about how to deal with those emotions. I take pride, whenever I accomplish to jump over a hurtle. Only as soon as I can't feel the ground, I panic and the only action that gets me back to life is to actually do one thing from the long list of tasks, that have to be done. Not even the whole thing, only a small step. The rest will follow along. AND even though I am fine with not being able to start a job here, it still gives me anxiety. I discover, how many things are new to me. How many tasks I have to do, for the first time.

Bare with me. This is a LONG blog post.